Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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