i wish there were pregnant emoticons
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
