If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
