i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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