This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
