it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
