Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
