it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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