They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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