so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
