Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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