I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
