Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
