Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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