if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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