I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
