Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's official drugs can't kill me
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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