i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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