Please, let me fuck your mom
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
