I will die if light touches me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
