My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
They took my balls.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
