I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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