I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
