do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
