Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
