watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
