Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
