omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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