well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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