On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
