i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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