so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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