You smell like a Billy Joel song
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
