dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
