tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
