She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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