I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
