Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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