is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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