i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
