so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
