FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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