well I can't set my house on fire every night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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