I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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