We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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