I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I AM VODKA MAN
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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