I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
