I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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