They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The Olympian is in my bed
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
