with your own penis?
someone threw a dead crab at me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Randomize
