im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
