I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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