U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
someone owes me an orgasm
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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