3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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